Disclaimer: The story of Christy belongs to the Marshall-LeSourd Family. This
story uses themes and characters from the book, CBS series, and the PAX movies.
This fictional story is written for my own, and hopefully the readers’, enjoyment.

 

The Winter of Choices

By Cathy W.

Part 1

Christy Huddleston continued stringing the cranberries, her mind in another time.  “Miz Christy?  Miz Christy?  You done run out o’ string!”  Christy snapped back to herself as Ruby Mae Morrison grabbed her hands to stop the incessant stringing.

          “Oh!  I’m sorry, Ruby Mae.  I guess my mind wandered away from me for a bit.”  It was not like Christy to daydream, yet she seemed to be doing it more and more often the closer it got to Christmas.  She had even been distracted during school the day before and many of the children had noticed.  Sam Houston Holcombe had asked, “Are you feelin’ poorly, Teacher?”  During recess, Little Burl Allen had approached her shyly.  “Miz Christy, are you missin’ your family somethin’ fierce?”  She knew they meant well, but it made her feel worse.  She was here to teach, after all, and lately it seemed as if she were not doing such a good job of it.  She was distracted, and this in turn distracted the students.

          “Miz Christy!  Didja hear a word I just said?  Your mind has shorely taken a day-trip without ya.”  Christy shook her head as if doing so would settle her brain in its proper place and looked back at Ruby Mae.  The look on the girl’s face told her that she was concerned about her.  “You haven’t been yourself the last coupla days.  Should I get Doc MacNeill?”

          Christy’s face flushed, but her student did not seem to notice.  “No, Ruby Mae,” she said hastily.  “I’m fine, really.  I guess I’m just distracted is all.”

          “Whatchya distracted about?”  Ruby Mae gave her what Christy had secretly dubbed “the Conspiratorial Look.”  It made its appearance when Ruby Mae mentioned the preacher, weddings, marriage, and love.  It consisted of what Ruby Mae surely thought was a sly smile, as well as the red-head conspicuously leaning toward Christy and opening her eyes in an over-wide and over-eager manner.

          “It’s Christmastime, and I guess I just miss my family.”  This was not entirely true, although true enough that Christy could convince herself that it was the source of her increasing inattention.  It was funny how her daydreams hardly ever involved her father or her mother, though.

          Ruby Mae seemed slightly disappointed but then quickly covered it with a look of concern.  “Well, I’m shore the preacher wouldn’t mind it none if you went home to your family.  I mean, o’ course you’d miss your ma and pa, them bein’ so far away and all.”

          Christy smiled.  “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.  But I want to spend Christmas here.  I don’t think I could bear leaving right now.”  And she knew she meant it in the very depths of her being.  She loved Cutter Gap like it was her own.  Besides, there were too many people she loved here.  She had many dear friends, although not all of them were speaking to her at the moment.  Well, she was not sure if he was not speaking to her, seeing as how she had not seen him in months.

          The last time they had spoken, it had been very awkward indeed.  Christy had felt like she was walking on eggshells, and the spark that had been evident in every conversation they had had was gone.  When he left after checking that Ruby Mae’s cough had cleared up, Christy had felt sad and lonely, even though David was there.  She had not seen Neil MacNeill since.  It bothered her more than she would like to admit.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

          It was dark.  Rain lashed the trees until she was sure the branches would give way all around her.  The wind began howling a mournful cry that made her think if she listened hard enough, she would hear it speaking about some loss it had endured.  Suddenly, a flash of lightning illuminated the path in front of her.  The way was so treacherous, she had looked forward to when the lightning would catch up with the rain.  Now she shivered at the danger it seemed to bring—it was a bad omen.  Her feet slipped in the mud that was bubbling up from the rain; she cried out but no one was around to hear, and even if they were, the thunder shattering the sky above her drowned her voice out.  She grabbed a tree trunk for support and then continued on her way.  Her only thought was of reaching her destination.

          Out of nowhere, Little Burl Allen appeared on the path.  “Little Burl, what are you doing out in this weather?  Is something wrong?”  He stared at her with his big, round eyes and then slowly nodded his head.  “Are you okay?  Is it your family?  Is somebody sick?”  This time, the boy shook his head no and took a step toward her.  “What is it then?  You can tell me.”  She bent down to his level, although it was extremely uncomfortable in her wet, heavy skirts.  She searched his face but it gave her no clue.  “Come on, tell me what the problem is.  I can’t help you if I don’t know what you need.”

          She noticed movement out of the corner of her eye.  The bushes parted; Sam Houston Holcombe and Creed Allen stepped out and approached her.  “What is going on, boys?  Do your parents know where you are?”  Both shook their heads.  Creed and Little Burl turned their attention away from their teacher toward Sam Houston.  For some reason, she had the impression that his eyes were boring into her skull and she felt two stabs of pain behind her eyes.  Everything was plunged into darkness without warning.  Like a punch to the stomach, she realized with sickening clarity that she was blind.  Before she could react, however, she heard a voice in front of her.  She recognized it even without her sight.

          “You’re blind, ya know,” Sam Houston stated matter-of-factly.  “But not just now.  Ya been that way from the start.  Just open your eyes and make a decision, Christy Huddleston.”  She was momentarily thrown for a loop by his use of her name, but then she realized what she had to do.  She had to return to Neil’s cabin.

 

          Christy awoke with a start.  She had had the same dream three nights in a row and consequently had had three nights in a row of very little sleep.  She knew God was trying to tell her something important through the dream, but what that something was eluded her.  She knew she should talk to someone, and David and Miss Alice were the obvious choices.  Yet she could not seem to organize her thoughts into a manner coherent enough to discuss with them.  Every time she thought of the dream, it gave her a strange feeling she could not quite place.  It was not fear, or even confusion, which were reactions one could expect after a dream like she just had.  As she lay back down to try to snatch a few more minutes of sleep, it hit her.  She was feeling lonely.  There was no one with whom she felt she could discuss her dream.  Well, there was one person.  But obviously, Neil was not interested in anything she had to say anymore.

          She wondered why he had not come to see her, or at least to check that all of the mission’s medical supplies were in order.  She knew that, deep down, she had hurt Neil by accepting David’s proposal.  It had been a rather rash decision, her acceptance coming out of her mouth almost before she knew her mouth was open.  And afterward, she had not felt nearly as happy as she would have expected to.  Of course, she was excited about getting married, but somewhere within her something nagged at her.  The children had swung her around, dancing and singing, after they saw her agree to marry the preacher.  During the celebration, however, she could not get the hurt look on Neil’s face out of her mind.  Neil riding away was one of the saddest things she had ever seen.

          She shook her head and closed her eyes.  She loved David.  Thoughts like these could only hurt and confuse her.  Why, then, could she not get them out of her head?

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

          “Good morning, Sunshine,” David said to Christy as she walked in for breakfast.  Ever since they had become engaged, he had started calling her “Sunshine.”  She had to admit that she kind of liked it.  She dropped a perfunctory kiss on his cheek; he grabbed her hand as she walked behind his chair on her way around the table to her seat.  They were alone at breakfast, as they were every day.  Miss Alice and Ruby Mae must have decided that every breakfast should be “alone time” for the betrothed couple.  “How’d you sleep last night?”

          “Not very well, I’m afraid.  If I don’t get some sleep soon, I might just keel over in the middle of my lessons.”  David reluctantly let her hand go as she sat down.  “I’m so tired I can’t even eat.”

          “You’ve got to eat something.  Here, have some of my toast.”  He offered her a piece, but her nose turned up at the thought of eating.  “Come on, it’s just toast.”

          “I’m really not hungry.”  Christy stood up to head to the schoolroom but immediately fell back in her chair, her hands clutching the edge of the table.

          “Christy!  Are you alright?”  David asked in concern.

          She attempted a smile.  “I’m fine.  I just stood up too quickly.”  She got up again only to feel her legs go out from underneath her.

          “Christy, I’m getting Doctor MacNeill.  You’re not well.”  Whenever David said the good doctor’s name, it came out almost as a growl, as if the name itself were repulsive.

          At the mention of Doctor MacNeill, the blood rushed from her face, making her feel worse.  “No, really, I’m just tired.  Give me a minute and I’ll be fine.”  She knew very well that some medical attention would be a good idea at the moment, but she did not want Neil to come.  Why was she so worried about seeing him?  After all, last night she had been thinking about how nice it would be to talk to him again.  Nevertheless, all she felt was dread as David called for Ruby Mae to look after Christy as he rode to the Doc’s.  “And don’t let her get up, no matter how much she argues,” he added, throwing her a slightly amused look tinged with concern.  The chilly wind that blew through the door as he opened it almost knocked her over.  Something was definitely wrong.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Part 2

          “She’s got a fever, alright.  I would bet it is from exhaustion,” Neil addressed David.  He turned his attention to Christy and in a falsely relaxed tone he joked, “Let me guess, Miss Huddleston.  You’ve been losing sleep over the fate of the world, have you?”  He knew it was not terribly funny, or witty, or even amusing, but humor was his first instinct.  To be honest, it was his second, but he could not deal with the first and so had pushed it to the farthest recesses of his mind.

          “Something like that,” she answered with an attempt at a grin.  It was not entirely successful, but it would have to do.  His comment had hit closer to home than he would probably ever have imagined.  In fact, his seemingly flippant comment had stirred something in the back of her mind.  She did not have the time just now, with two concerned people hovering over her, to sort it out.  However, she had a feeling that she would get the chance later in the day while she was on bed rest; she was sure that was what the doctor was going to prescribe.

          “Well, I want you to put the world’s worries aside for the day and get some sleep.”  At this, Christy grinned inwardly as if at a private joke.  “That means you are to stay in bed the whole day.  No matter how well you feel later, you are not to get up.  Reverend Grantland, Ruby Mae, and Alice will bring you food, which you are to eat without protest.  The fever is not serious, so I have complete confidence in Alice to take care of you.  I’ll be back tomorrow morning to check on you.”  He turned to head to the door, then paused and turned back around to face David.  “She is not to be taxed in any way.  This includes, but is not limited to, getting out of bed, working on schoolwork, and extended conversations with visitors.  Do I make myself clear?”  There was an accusation in the last item on the list, as if he knew for a fact that David would spend all day there, conversing with Christy until she collapsed from the pure strain of it all.

          “I’ve got it, Doctor.  Anything else I should know?”  David’s retort had an undercurrent of sarcasm to it.  Christy could see the beginnings of a verbal joust apparent in both men’s voices.  It was like rams butting heads to assert their territory, only the men thought they were being more subtle about it than that.

          Neil paused but then answered in a tone of voice that Christy could only describe as smug, “Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.  If her condition worsens even in the slightest degree, let me know about it.  I’ll come take care of her as quickly as possible.”  If Christy were not so tired, she would roll her eyes in exasperation.  Neil’s last sentence was not lost on her.  “Take care of her” had been a challenge as well as a form of one-upmanship.  It implied that David was unable to care for her properly, or at the very least as well as he himself could.  However, it was subtle enough that if David accused him of these implications, it would make the reverend look jealous, irrational, and quick to temper. 

Neil had won this battle and knew it.  So did David.  His jaw tightened in anger and he said between clenched teeth, “Goodbye, Doctor.”  Christy glanced at his forehead and noticed the vein throbbing there.  She knew David desperately wanted to punch the doctor but did not dare.

Doctor MacNeill seemed almost giddy.  In a friendly tone he responded, “Goodbye, Reverend, Miss Huddleston.”  It was not until he left that Christy realized that the doctor had seemed more concerned with David than with her, the patient.  In fact, he had not used her first name once.  When he had carried her up to her room, he had seemed distant and detached.  It was as if his arms were not attached to the rest of his body.  It was a silly thought, but there was no other way Christy could describe it to herself.  It was almost like they were strangers.

“The Doc shore seemed in a friendly mood.  Ya must be all right for him to be so happy,” Ruby Mae commented as she carried the water she had gotten at the doctor’s insistence into the room.  She had passed him in the hall and noticed his satisfaction.  But, as always, Ruby Mae’s mind was already on the next topic of conversation.  “When’s Miz Alice gettin’ back from Raven Gap?”

Christy opened her mouth to answer but David beat her to it.  “She’s due back any minute now.  In fact, we expected her before breakfast, but I’m sure she’s just running a little late.”

“I shore hope nuthin’ happened to her,” Ruby Mae said, obviously worried.

Despite the fact that her eyelids threatened to close any minute, Christy still reassured the girl.  “Miss Alice will be fine.  Raven Gap’s not too far and the snow’s not too deep.  She’ll be here by the time school is over, I’m sure.”

Ruby Mae’s look of concern was replaced by one of relief.  Now that that matter had been settled, the redhead was on to the next thought.  “Oh, Preacher, we best head on over to the school.  The stove’s got to be lit afore most everyone gets there.”  David nodded in agreement.  “Hope ya feel better, Miz Christy.  Now you get your rest, ya hear?”

“I will, Ruby Mae.  Now, as a Junior Teacher I’m counting on you to make sure everyone behaves for Reverend Grantland.  It’s an important job but I have confidence that you’ll make me proud.”

The girl nodded enthusiastically.  “I will.  You’ll see!  We’ll all be perfect angels.”

David smiled in amusement.  “I don’t expect that.  I’ll settle for well-behaved children who learn their lessons.”  He paused, then added to Christy, “I’ll be back during lunch.  Stay in bed and sleep.”  He kissed her forehead and then headed out the door, Ruby Mae quick on his heels.

Now that Christy was alone, she had time to contemplate what was bothering her.  She was worn out but knew she would not get any real rest until things were sorted out; if she slept now, her brain was sure to go around in circles and give her strange dreams.  Neil had asked if the fate of the world had kept her from sleeping.  Something about that question had tickled the back of her brain, but she could not get her mind to grasp why.  She rubbed her eyes, partly out of exhaustion and partly out of frustration.  Then a fragment of her dream rose up: “You’re blind, ya know.  But not just now.  Ya been that way from the start.  Just open your eyes and make a decision, Christy Huddleston.”  Her heart told her there was a connection between the doctor’s question and her dream, but what was it?

After several moments that got her no nearer the answer, she gave up.  Her mind felt fuzzy from lack of sleep and her throat felt dry.  She grabbed the pitcher of water that Ruby Mae had brought and poured some into the glass beside it.  Her mentality no longer constricted to contemplating her dream and Doctor MacNeill’s question, it began to wander.  The water made her think of the river, and then the river made her think of the day Neil taught her to fish.  “The dance is more important than the catching,” he said with a wink.  “The dance” reminded her of Neil teaching her to do the folk dances everyone in Cutter Gap knew so well.  “You’re doing fine.  You’re just thinking of the steps too much.  Relax and it will come to you.  Thinking only trips you up.”  “Trips” prompted the memory of her going to the El Pano Teahouse with the other women.  What stood out most was Margaret.  “I’m back.”  The thought of Margaret brought up a ride to Neil’s cabin, where she had seen them embracing.  Feelings of anger and hurt immediately rose to the surface, shortly followed by surprise.  She had believed those feelings were long gone.  Thinking of Margaret and Neil brought her to the field in front of the schoolhouse, where David proposed.  Seeing David made her recall his explanation about his presence at the Teahouse.  “It’s not what it looked like.”  He was the preacher, after all, and the men had corroborated his story.  Preacher.  Creed Allen entered her stream of thoughts, doing his parody of a preacher.  “Friends and neighbors, we are lookin’ on Brother Holcombe’s face for the last time.  Praise the Lord!  We ain’t never gonna see him again in this life.”  The children’s funeral game made her think of Margaret’s funeral, only two weeks after her reappearance in Cutter Gap.  It had been a sad affair, but there had been some happiness there as well.  In her dying hours, she had requested her mother’s presence despite the fact that Miss Alice had practically disowned her.  Margaret had requested she read about heaven and angels, and as she took her last gasping breath she had a serene smile on her face.  “She made peace with God,” Alice announced.  The confusing swirl of images stopped.

All of a sudden, everything fell into place for Christy.  She had not been listening to her heart, only her head.  She was blind, and thinking with her head had tripped her up.  Other than the embrace Christy had seen, there had been nothing else to suggest that Neil and Margaret had begun acting as husband and wife again.  Perhaps the embrace had not been what it had looked like?  And Margaret was gone now, so Neil’s life was a little less complicated.  Neil’s comment earlier had been true, although he meant it only to be a joke.  Indeed, the fate of the world—her world—had been keeping her awake.  With these realizations, she finally knew in her heart what God had been trying to tell her.  She felt happy, yet sick to her stomach as well.  Poor David.  How would he deal with the epiphany she had had?

Just then, Miss Alice walked into the room, a confused look on her face.  “Are you ill?  I saw David at the schoolhouse, but I didn’t want to interrupt.  He seemed to be in earnest conversation with Ruby Mae.” 

“I’m fine.  I just have a bit of a fever.  Doctor MacNeill prescribed bed rest, so David is taking over my classes for today.”

Alice nodded and asked, “Is there anything I can do for thee?”

Christy started to shake her head no, but then stopped as she realized she was hungry.  “As a matter of fact, there is.  Could you bring me some breakfast?  I haven’t eaten any.”  She had not been hungry in days, yet now she was.  Could it be because she was finally paying attention to her heart?

After a few moments, Alice was back with a tray of food.  “Hunger is a good sign.  I think that with some sleep, you may overcome this fever quickly.”  Christy knew that this was meant as a hint, but she decided to ignore it for the moment.

“Miss Alice, I need to talk to you.”

Alice patted her hand and replied, “Whatever thee has to say to me can wait until later.  For now, I think rest is in order.”

“This is important.”  Christy stared at her imploringly, willing her to sit down.  “Please.”  Alice sat, her curiosity showing through her eyes.  “God has been trying to speak to me for some time now, but I haven’t been able to understand what He was saying.”  She paused, trying to gather her thoughts.  “Today, I finally understood.  Oh, Miss Alice, I’ve been so blind!  I accepted David’s proposal, but I’ve felt uneasy about it.  Now I know why.  I love him deeply, but not as a wife should love a husband.  There’s only one person I do love that way, and that’s Neil MacNeill.”  She had been watching her hands fidget as she spoke, but now she stole a glance at Alice.  Surprisingly, the woman registered no surprise at all.  This unnerved Christy more than shock or even anger would have.  She stuttered for a second, regained her composure, and continued.  “I can’t marry David.  That would be unfair to me and to him.  He deserves someone who needs and wants him as much as he does her.  And I can’t be that person.”

Alice Henderson had remained quiet, listening to Christy pour out her feelings.  Now she felt it was time for her to speak.  “And thee realized this only after coming down with a fever?”  She smiled wryly.  “Are you sure that you are hearing God’s plan for you, or are you only getting, as they say, cold feet?”

Christy answered enthusiastically, “I know it’s what God wants for me.  I’m more sure about this than I’ve been about anything in my life.  I don’t know why it took me so long to see it!”

“Well, I suggest that thee sleep on it.  If you feel the same after a good night’s sleep, then you should act on it.”  Miss Alice, the voice of reason as she so often was, said all of this calmly.

Christy reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand.  “Thank you.  But please, don’t tell anyone.  I need to do it myself.”  Alice nodded, extracted her hand from Christy’s, and left her alone.  After devouring her breakfast, Christy lay back down and closed her eyes, not afraid of her dreams for the first time in days.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Part 3

          She ran across the field, so ecstatic she could hardly stand it.  Neil MacNeill was sitting on his horse, watching her with a smile.  When she reached him, he grabbed her by the arm and easily swung her up onto the horse.  She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder.  They galloped off into the sunset.

 

          It was her wedding day.  She stood before Alice Henderson, her hand clasped in her groom’s.  “You are now husband and wife,” Alice said, smiling at her.  She turned to Neil and he reached down to kiss her.  The guests cheered as they walked back down the aisle and out of the church.  They got onto Neil’s horse and rode toward his cabin, both with smiles that could not be contained.

          Christy was cooking a turkey while trying to maneuver her swollen belly around the stove.  Neil came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her belly, resting his head on her shoulder.  She put her hand over his just as the baby within kicked.  “Any day now,” Neil said, smiling at her.

          Neil was on all fours in front of the fire, playing Lions and Tigers with two small boys and a young girl.  It soon turned into a tickling match, to the obvious delight of the children.  “Will you play, Mama?” asked the older boy.  She got down on the floor as well and grabbed the boy, tickling him until he was gasping for breath.  “Me!  Me!” called the other, very young boy.

          She was sitting in a church, watching as a gray-haired Neil escorted the bride down the aisle.  She could tell he was barely holding back tears.  He glanced in her direction and gave her a wink as he passed.  She began crying tears of joy as the bride was handed off to the groom.

          Christy awoke feeling happy and refreshed.  It had been a long time since she had felt so good.  She could not remember the contents of her dreams, only that they were joyful and involved Neil.  She had made the right decision after all.  Her smile faded as she realized that there were several obstacles still to be overcome.  She had to tell David, deal with the whispers that were sure to follow after she broke off the engagement, tell Neil how she felt, and then hope he would return her feelings.  Suddenly, the day did not seem so bright. 

Just then, David came in.  He had shed his heavy winter coat and scarf downstairs, but he had a few snowflakes that had not yet melted still clinging to his hair.  He was bearing a tray of food and his grin was wide.  “Alice tells me you ate breakfast before going to sleep.  Good for you.”  It was obvious to Christy that Alice had not given David any hint of what they had spoken about.  He looked down at the tray and offered it to her.  With a wink he added, “Don’t worry.  No possum in this stew.  I made it myself.”

She accepted the tray and smiled gratefully.  “Thank you.  How is class going so far?  I hope none of the children have given you any trouble.” 

“No, none at all.”  At Christy’s raised eyebrows he amended, “No more than usual.”  Looking her up and down with a critical eye, he asked, “How are you feeling, Christy?”

“Much better.”  She knew now was not the time for her to reveal what she had discovered about herself, and she was thankful that she had time to organize her thoughts and form the words she would need.  It made her suddenly uncomfortable, realizing that she had a secret from him.  She allowed him to take her hand in one of his and push the hair off her forehead with the other.

“I’m glad.  I was worried about you.”

After a few seconds’ pause, she said, “David, shouldn’t you be getting back to school?”

“Yes, I suppose I better,” he answered in a regretful tone.  He kissed her cheek.  “The children keep asking about you.  I tell them you’re fine, that you just needed a little rest, but they don’t seem to believe me.”  He motioned in the direction of the door and Christy saw a few faces peeking around the doorway.  She had not noticed them before.  At her nod, several children made their way into the room.

“We’uns just had t’ make shore ya wasn’t bad off.  Ya ain’t, are ya, Teacher?”  Wanda Beck spoke up.

“No, I’m not bad off, just a little tired.  I’ll be back to school tomorrow, I promise.”  All of the little faces lit up.

Under his breath, the reverend asked, “Are you sure that’s wise?  I mean, how can you know you’ll be well enough by tomorrow?”

“I just do,” she answered, a little harsher than she had intended.  She then turned to address the children.  “Thank you for your concern.  I promised you all that I’m fine, and I’ve never lied to you before, right?  So now you don’t have to worry about me and you can concentrate on your lessons.”

They nodded their agreement.  Sam Houston piped up, “Afore we leave, we got somethin’ t’ give ya.  When we heard you was sick, we made ya a card.”  Mountie O’Teale handed her a thick piece of paper and she took it with a smile.

“Thank you very much.”  She studied the front, where a picture of her took up most of the space.  She looked like a queen, tall and pretty with thick, wavy hair.  She had a gigantic smile on her face and a book in her hand.  Obviously, the children had already begun to feel the Christmas spirit because there was a small Christmas tree next to her and snowflakes adorned the whole page. 

“Preacher holpt us with the spellin’,” Little Burl told her as she opened it up and read the inside.  “Miz Miss Christy, we hope you feel better.  We cain’t can’t wait until yer  you’re rite right as rain.”  Everyone had signed it, except for the ones who could not yet write.  They had, instead, drawn little pictures such as happy faces and birds.  “It’s beautiful.  Thank you all so much.  Tell the rest of the class too.”  Mountie came by her side and hugged her before joining the other children trooping out the door.

Waving his hand at the backs of the children, David said, “I guess that’s my cue to leave.  I’m glad you’re feeling better.”  He kissed the top of her head, then bent down to kiss her lips.  After a moment’s hesitation, Christy returned the kiss.

She felt a little guilty about it, in light of what she had to tell him tonight, but covered it up by telling him to have a good day.  He nodded and followed in the footsteps of the children.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *     *

          Miss Alice came in to check on Christy one more time, and then she was alone with her thoughts.  As the day wore on, an impending sense of doom settled itself upon her.  She knew what she had to do was the right course of action, but she could not help feeling that she was truly an awful person.  She had not listened to her heart, and in doing so had led David on as well as possibly ruined any chance she had with Neil.  To top it all off, it was only ten days before Christmas.  Breaking off the engagement so close to Christmas was very cruel, but waiting until later would be even crueler.  The only things she could do were prepare her words, brace herself, and pray.

          When David came back after school, Christy was surprised.  Time had literally sped by.  She decided to put off their conversation until after dinner, so that he could go back to his bunkhouse and use the night to cool off.  She made an excuse about being tired and asked him to come back after dinner.  He kissed her cheek and patted her hand before leaving.

          Not many minutes later, Miss Alice came into the room.  “How is thee faring?”

          “Physically, I’m much better, thank you.  Emotionally, not so great.”  She worked her hands one within another so that it was obvious she was worried.  Alice sat in silence, allowing Christy to collect her thoughts.  “I have to tell David.  Tonight.  Putting it off any longer would only make things worse.”

          Miss Alice nodded her head calmly.  She pinned Christy down with a level gaze.  “Whatever thee thinks is right.  But you had better be sure this is not fickleness on thy part.”

          “It’s not, Miss Alice.  I promise it isn’t.”  Christy earnestly looked over Alice’s face, searching for approval there.

          “I am not the one thee needs to seek approval from.  Search thyself and pray.”  The older woman took one of Christy’s hands into hers and rubbed it in a gesture of affection.  “I am confident that you will find the answers.”

          “Thank you.”  At this, Alice stood up and left the room.  Now all that was left for Christy was to do as Miss Alice had instructed.  She closed her eyes and began praying in earnest.

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Part 4

          The moment Christy had been dreading was now upon her.  She heard David’s footsteps coming toward her room and prepared herself for one of the hardest things she had ever had to do.  She knew she would break his heart worse than denying his proposal had before.  Yet, somehow, inflicting this pain was the right thing to do.  The ways of God were indeed mysterious.

          She had her Christmas present for him tucked underneath the sheets beside her, unsure of what to do with it.  Should she give it to him before or after?  She did not know and only hoped that she would know when he arrived.  As he walked in the door, she realized she was no closer to the answer than she had been ten minutes ago.  In addition, all of her carefully prepared words had fled her and she was left feeling like she was floundering in deep water.

          David sat in the chair next to her bed, leaned over, and kissed her.  “You wanted to talk?” he asked.

          His straight-to-the-point attitude spurred her on.  He would not want her to beat around the bush, so she should dispense with all small talk and get to the meat of what she wanted to say.  “David, I have something really important I need to speak with you about.  I don’t know how to say it…so I’ll just say it.  God has been trying to speak to me through daydreams and nightmares but I’ve been unable or unwilling to figure it out.  He even gave me a fever so that I would take the time to think about what He was saying.  And today I finally discovered what it is.  Now I know what God wants for me, and I’m sorry, but it doesn’t involve you…”  Here she paused for a split second, feeling like she was speaking around a pinecone in her throat,  “as a husband.  Oh, I’m so sorry, David!  I know how this must feel, but I can’t deny…”

          She was cut off by an angry outburst from David.  “God told you that He didn’t want me to be your husband?!  And I suppose God wants you to marry Doctor MacNeill, a man that doesn’t even believe in Him.  Am I right?”

          Christy looked away but before she could answer he spoke up again.  “No, you don’t even need to tell me.  I know you’ve had feelings for the good doctor…” His tone dripped with acid and Christy shuddered at the hatred she heard.  “although he was a married man and a non-believer.  I even told him that he would confuse you because you would want to save him.  And now that his wife is gone for good, there’s nothing left to stop you from acting on your confusion.  Compassion isn’t love, Christy, and you’re confusing the two.”

          Before she could refute him, he continued his tirade.  “How can God be telling you that I’m not the right man to be your husband when He’s telling me you’re the right woman to be my wife?!?  God is perfect and therefore doesn’t make mistakes.  Either He’s telling you that you shouldn’t marry me, or He’s telling me that I should marry you.  Not both.  And I’m the minister, so I would like to think I know a little more about the workings of God than other people.”

          Now Christy’s blood boiled.  She had expected him to be angry, but to insult her?  He had basically said she was incompetent, naïve, a liar, and not possibly as close to God as he.  That was inexcusable even when she considered how much she had hurt him.  “There’s no need to insult me!  This isn’t easy for me, you know.  Believe it or not, I do care very deeply for you.  This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  And I would like to think I know myself well enough to tell the difference between compassion and love.”

          David could no longer keep his mouth closed.  “Why?  You couldn’t tell the difference between friendship and love with us!”

          Christy had no good answer for that, so instead she replied, “David, I do love you deeply.  Just not as a wife should love a husband.  You deserve better.  You deserve someone who needs you as much as you need them.  I’ve been terribly unfair to you and to me, and I’m only making it right.  Please don’t make it any harder than it already is.”

          “I deserve YOU, Christy.  With you, I could be happy and I know I could make you happy if you just gave me the chance.”

          “You don’t understand.  It’s not a matter of giving you a chance.  You know it doesn’t work that way.  I have to do what my heart tells me, and my heart says that we shouldn’t get married.”  There was an edge of irritation to her voice, but she managed to keep it pretty steady.

          It was obvious that her last words had wounded him deeply.  He stormed to the door, then turned around as if a thought had struck him.  His voice was no longer angry; he seemed sad and defeated.  “I got your Christmas gift today.  You might as well take it, although I don’t see what good it will do you now.  I guess I’m going home alone for Christmas.”  He handed her an envelope tied with ribbon and walked out, head down and shoulders slumped.

          Christy opened it with trepidation.  She was not sure what it was or how much worse it would make her feel.  She pushed a fingernail under the flap of the envelope and slowly opened it.  Inside was a train ticket to Boston.  He had wanted her to visit his family, and now there was no reason for her to do that.  She felt like the lowest scum of the earth.  It was a second before she realized she had not given him her gift.  The tears formed of their own volition and slid down her cheeks, starting slowly and then coming in waves, like a thunderstorm building up steam until it explodes in violent fury.

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Part 5

          The next morning, Christy awoke to a silent house.  Even before the day had started, she already felt drained and had no hopes for the day getting any better.  She was worried about an encounter with David and the awkwardness and pain it was sure to bring.  She was relieved when she saw he was not at breakfast, then immediately felt bad for it.  He had had to change his routine to avoid her, and she did not blame him in the least. 

However well he was able to avoid her at breakfast, he was sure to run into her sometime.  Whether it was when he arrived at the schoolhouse to take over the mathematics and Bible lessons, or at dinner, or even at church on Sunday, contact was inevitable.  She had hoped they would remain friends, although she knew that would be impossible of her to expect of him.  She knew he was hurt, and she was too, but she desperately wanted to regain the rapport they had had before.  It made her sad to think they would remain only courteous ships passing in the night.  She also hoped she had not ruined Christmas for him.

Walking across the inch or so of snow on the ground to the school, she lost herself in thought.  Most of them were unhappy, although many were also hopeful.  Even though things were bad right now, and may be for a long time to come, she had to have something good to look to.  Christy was not a woman to wallow in self-pity and negative circumstances.  As she walked, she did not notice the figure that left the schoolhouse through the back door and skulked away.

When she arrived at the school, she was surprised to find the fire in the stove had been lit and a weak heat was already radiating from it.  She shrugged her shoulders, figuring that Rob Allen or another of the older students must have come early to do it for her.  After hanging up her coat and scarf, she put her books on her desk and sat down.  It was then she noticed the piece of paper on the desk, one of John Spencer’s figurines acting as a paperweight.  “Meet me by the river at 7 o’clock.”  The handwriting was unfamiliar and she wondered at the invitation.  Who wanted her to meet them?  And why?

The rest of the school day was a blur.  She was vaguely aware of having taught geography, spelling, and history, and of having swallowed down her lunch although it tasted like sand, but other than that there was nothing she could recall.  She did not even know if she had taught all of the subjects she was supposed to or if she had spoken with any of the students.  Her mind was swirling in confusion.  Thoughts of David, Christmas, Neil, and the mysterious note all clamored for attention until she was unable to concentrate on any of them.  She felt as if her head were full to the point of bursting.

When she returned to the Mission after school, she was completely exhausted.  She supposed it was a combination of getting over a fever and the emotional stress of the night before.  She set her alarm clock for 4:30 and lay down for a nap, intensely curious about what 7:00 would bring.

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          Christy finished her supper in record time.  David’s absence was conspicuous and once again made her feel cruel.  She felt the need to escape David’s phantom, represented by his empty chair.  She fled and spent the remaining half hour before she had to leave for her mysterious meeting in the schoolhouse.

          She made the journey to the river more quickly than she had expected and settled herself in her favorite spot near it.  Many people knew that she often wiled time away here and so it was the most likely place for the river meeting to take place.  It was not long before she heard leaves rustling and twigs breaking underfoot near her.  She turned around and came face-to-face with Neil MacNeill.  Even though his head was covered with a wool cap and heavy scarf, she would recognize his bright eyes anywhere.  “Neil!” she exclaimed, surprised.  He was absolutely the last person she had expected to see.

          “Christy,” he answered with a nod of his head.

          There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.  Christy was not sure if Neil was even the person she was meeting, or if he had just happened by.  She decided to attempt small talk to dispel the awkwardness.  “It’s a cold night, isn’t it?”  She knew her attempt was laughable but did not know what else to say.

          “Aye, it is.  It may snow again before week’s end.”  At least he was making an effort as well.  This was a good sign that perhaps he had finally decided that spending time with Christy was not a chore anymore.

          Christy was now at a loss for words.  To assuage some of her discomfort, she picked up a rock and threw it at the river which was now frozen solid.  It bounced once and slid to a point beyond her vision in the darkness; the sun set quickly in winter, but even more quickly in these mountains.  Then she watched the steam of her breath puff and fade as she breathed in and out just to give herself something to do.

          “Christy,” Neil said again, but this time she could tell it was with the intention of speaking to her.  There was a short pause before he haltingly continued.  “I wanted to talk to you about…well, about the way I’ve been acting.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been avoiding you.”  He looked at her for a sign but she gave none.  “I’ve felt uncomfortable around you since…since you became betrothed.  I just wanted to apologize to you for my behavior and let you know I hope you and Grantland are very happy together.”  He almost choked on “Grantland,” but managed to keep his expression from showing his intense dislike for the man.

          “I accept your apology, Neil.  But why the secrecy?  Why bring me all the way out to the river?”

          “I just couldn’t talk to you at the Mission.  I would probably make your fiancé jealous again.”

          Christy tried to steel herself for what she was going to say.  She did not know how he would take it, or even if he would be interested.  She told herself she did not expect him to sweep her into his arms, kiss her passionately, and profess his undying love for her, but there was a small, secret part of herself that did.  “Neil, I don’t have a fiancé any more.  I broke it off.”

          Neil was completely shocked.  His face betrayed the swirl of emotions he felt, happiness and surprise foremost among them.  He seemed to be struggling with himself about what to say but only ended up mumbling, “Huh?”

          Christy saw that her news had affected him and it gave her the courage to continue.  “You see, I couldn’t marry David.  God spoke to me but I wasn’t listening very well.  Yesterday, I finally heard Him.  Neil, God told me to listen to my heart, and it says that I love you.”

          Christy searched his face for what she had hoped to see, found it there, and smiled.  This winter was going to stay in her memory for the rest of her life.

 

THE END